About a week ago I opted to write a few words for Sunday’s Scribblings titled Then and Now. This is what I said,
“Once, I was a spoiled, spoiled little girl who basked in the love her parents showed her.
Soon, my world came crashing down around me and I was forced to confront a hideous crime.
Then, I was filled with incredible hatred.
Now I feel pity. And regret. And sadness.”
Many who commented wanted me to elaborate. Especially, I think, on “the crime”. I’m not quite ready to do that, and don’t know if I ever will be, publicly, but I will try to address my thoughts on how my life was filled with hatred and now it’s not. That’s My Great Escape.
It didn’t happen over night, or over the course of a few months, or even over a few years. I can’t tell you really how long it took, but I can estimate. The crime occurred when I was exactly the age my oldest daughter is now, and it’s been at least 8 years since I realized that how I felt had changed. I’ll do the math for you. About 20 years. You know how people talk about having an epiphany of understanding? I didn’t happen that way with me. Rather, over the course of a period of time I realized I wasn’t filled with anger and hatred towards the person that committed “the crime” that wreaked havoc on my life, and so many others, including, I’m convinced, his own.
The hatred ate at me from inside. It was a negative energy that nibbled away at pieces of my heart and took the good from the great and left me feeling beaten. It made most situations appear worse than they were, and kept me from truly enjoying many great moments. It made me envy others that had what I didn’t have. It was insiduous and sapped the light. It was downright unhealthy, but I could justify it because at first it was the only way I knew how to survive the situation. I was angry at my mom for leaving me, even though she didn’t have a choice, and I hated the person that took her away from me. But then it became an excuse and it seemed like justifiable anger. It became the scapegoat for things that happened in my life; choices I made or that others made and their relationship to each other.
And then I started to grow up and look at my life from another perspective. One that didn’t blame someone else for everything that had happened. I began to contemplate how a series of choices effected many others, and stopped looking at only how it effected me. I started to see the world as not just revolving around me and my hurt. I started to ponder the interconnectedness of all of us and how we deal with what life throws our way. Mostly though, I think I was blessed with Divine Intervention and the sure knowledge that I was important and valuable and that overcoming this hurdle was possible.
And that’s my Great Escape. Breaking the bonds of hatred and feeling free for the first time in many, many years.
{ 71 comments }
I’m sorry you had to go through something like that. Thanks for posting.
Wow. You amaze me that you could fight your darkness and find a way out. It takes an incredibly stong and insightful person to be able to do that. I am amazed by you even more after knowing this. Thank you for sharing this part of yourself.
Knowing what you’ve gone through I can’t even imagine the pain and hurt. Knowing the person you are today is proof that the Lord will help us through everything and anything. I think the key is being ready and willing to accept the help and intervention in our lives.
Thank you for sharing something so personal. You are a wonderful example. Keep being strong!
Angie you amaze me. I cannot imagine having gone through anything like this as a child. And then carrying this weight around for many many years.
You are also one gifted writer!!
I can’t imagine at the age of 8 dealing with some of the issues you have been handed. The fact that you have come out the other side is truly a testament to the power of emotional healing.
You impress me everyday, Angie. Thanks for sharing.
Angie, that was a perfect follow up to your then and now post…perfect. Honestly I couldn’t imagine a better way you could have said any of it.
I admire your courage and your ability to put what you went through out there in a way that is thoughtful and raw and ultimately you all at the same time.
I think your mom should be very proud of you.
I have known you for a while now and have always been amazed by you. I really believe you took this experience and it made you who you are today… a better person. It was so interesting and inspiring for me to read more about how bad you were feeling and how awful it was and what helped you overcome it all. Reading it helps me understand better what power we have over situations and our own lives. You mother is so proud of the woman you have become I am sure of it!
Please don’t ever stop writing, because it is beautiful. I know that it is so personal and must be difficult at times. But we are all better, by your example. Amazing is absolutely right.
After reading this entry, I am speechless. My heart has always gone out to your family. Thank you. I need to have an escape too.. debbiej
Darkness can engulf a person and escaping it tends to take not only tenacity, but a hell of a lot of courage. Good for you.
It is amazing how the Lord can erase an emotional wound. I too went through a very dark event that caused me to be so angry and ask “why me?” But from that dark time I learned so much about myself and the power of the Lord.
This is an awesome post and I am so grateful for you.
You certainly are a remarkable woman and RESILIENT.
Good for you! Letting go can be so diffucult. You continue to amaze me Angie. I am grateful to call you a friend. Thank you for sharing.
Good for you! Letting go can be so diffucult. You continue to amaze me Angie. I am grateful to call you a friend. Thank you for sharing.
Holy cow! impressive! and so hard to let go of the hurt and escape the inner turmoil. to identify it and realize somewhere along the way you had released it! amazing!
and fabulous writing i might add!
You worded this beautifully. I feel that we can all identify times when those feeling have had a grip on us {for whatever reasons}. Thanks for sharing this.
Very moving. And inspiring. Good for you. I’ve been w/o internet at moms, so I’m way behind on the posts. I read them all, but here’s my comments for all. Grace is 8! Don’t you feel old? I’ll try to read Villette and get back to you. I’m going to post something on resolutions so stay tuned. Glad your Christmas was nice, hope the sickness is over. We’ll miss the wedding, since we just got home, we can’t come up again for at least 4 weeks. Hope it goes well for your dad, enjoy the car trip. Ugh. I. Hate. the . car. with. kids.
Needs tons of strength to go through such pain and hurt. I’m glad you made it and became what you are now. Thanks for sharing.
Your words are so touching.
Angie, You are an amazing person! For having gone through what you did at such a young age and come out one of the most awesome person on the other side of it; you leave me in awe! I remember when you told me what happened; when I was going through one of the hardest times back in Feb (moving when the twins were 4 months old). I always have it come up in my mind when I am going through a rough time. I think to myself that if you could go through THAT, and be the amazing person you are, I can get through my petty things with a better attitude!
That was a very impressive post…I feel like I am intruding a bit since it is my first time here…via Kailani’s casting call.
Have a nice day
Hi! I’m visiting from the Auditions. cool audition you put in! LOL
Nice to meecha!
Angie, you are amazing! I really admire your ability to change for good after such a horrifying experience. And I agree with Cecily- you mom would be very proud of you.
Thanks for such a wonderful post (I’m sure it wasn’t easy)
i am so glad that you were able to take a turn, and come to know just how much you so have to offer. i think it takes a very strong person to see this. not everyone chooses the path that you did. i am sure it is not an easy thing to do.
Hey Angie!
You are an incredibly strong women! I am so glad that you have started opening up about the tragic loss of your mom, my aunt. I have wanted to talk to you for so long about it, but have always feared that it would make you sad, or angry. I would love, it you don’t mind, to talk about it more when you are ready. Would love to share with you what I experienced, and the feelings that I had. You are such a great example of courage and strength to me Angie….Lots of Love to you!
This is wonderful–but did you want me to include it? I hadn’t heard from you but you’ve got all the links. (Hope I’m not being too pushy here
You sound both wise and resilient.
So glad you are letting the Light shine through you!
I think you are so wise to have realized that hatred and negative energy are so hurtful to carry around.
I’m so sorry for whatever it was that happened.
xoxo
I’m sorry you’ve gone through this loss at such a young age. You a very strong woman.
WOW…..wow! bravo!
You are right, it is such a freeing feeling to let go of all that hate and anger. Its like the moment that you do, the sun shines a little brighter and life starts to look a little brighter.
Giving you a one woman standing ovation…that is a wonderful story. I know that a lot of us have a story that begins in childhood…and defines us as adults, I too have felt the Devine Intervention…sometimes it just comes over you and leaves you feeling light…
I am definately adding you to my blogroll. I could have written this myself if I were as talented as you. I know how hard it is. I didn’t have an epiphany either, I just woke up one day and realized it wasn’t there anymore.
I know you are helping so many people by opening up like this.
Yowza! What an amazing journey you have taken and are taking – and touching so many lives in the process by sharing it with all the SITSas!
Thank you so much for sharing this today…I think it is exactly what I needed to hear!
thank you for sharing this. i’m impressed by your courage both to get through these issues and to share them with the world.
You are a great writer!!! You are being added to my daily reads!!
Wow. What a great post. I truly believe everything that happens is a stepping stone in the journey of life. Sounds like your stepping stone helped you grown personally as well as will help others grown in their own journeys. Imagine the impression you would have on your children if you kept that hatred inside all of these years. You are setting a great example for them. Kudos.
I’m not sure exactly what horror you had to endure but it sounds like you have really grown from it and the realization that it does not define you. You sound like an incredibly strong woman Angie! Great post.
I struggle with ‘crimes’ committed against me in my past (abuse, neglect, molestation.) I’m working on coming to an understanding that those instances don’t ‘define’ me and I’m working to cast them off and discover a new definition for myself. They’re a part of my past but they’re not ME.
Congratulations on your courage to forgive. I’m not quite there yet, but I’m working on it.
That’s not an easy thing to overcome and an even harder thing to examine and acknowledge. Congrats on the courage to do so.
I’m sorry you went through such a troublesome time but it is so nice to see that you’ve come through it.
Again, another beautifully written post, thank you for sharing this experience.
great post, I am so grateful you survived that experience and blessed to have had the priviledge to read your blog!
TO your continued growth and the light you share!
Jen
This is touching. Its interesting how we go through life and learn perspectives we can adopt according to our situations. I am intrigued by your writing…you will be going on my blogroll!
Congrats on your SITS day!
I wish I could be like you and enter every contest that I see. Usually I think, “Ah, I’ll have to come back and do this later.” Then I forget and thus I do not win.
I think it is great you came to the realization you did. Many don’t. I also think it is brave of you to share with so many strangers.
Wow…For many forgivness is just a word and sometimes and action, but for others it is the hardest thing they will ever have to do in their lives. I applaud this post. We all read funny, silly and crazy posts all the time and it’s so brave that you actually have posted something more real than all the moments we want our lives to be about. We all have real moments we find hard to blog about. And I applaud you SITSta!
Wow, I can so relate to your story. You are a gifted writer and I know this post is going to help a lot of others who have experienced similiar circumstances.
God is faithful and He is enough. He has been that reassuring voice in my ear in difficult times when I felt the sting of rejection and hurt from my past. It took me a long time to allow Him to be that for me and I’m still a work in progress. I’m just thankful that He never lets go of me!
You sound like a very strong woman. I am glad to hear that you have come through the incident, at least this far! Think of the testimony you have and how you can help someone else who may go through a horrible situation.
Such wisdom in your words.
It’s amazing to think of the lasting and far-reaching effects of one’s sin.
What a wise choice you made. If only all of us could realize that hanging onto anger or resentment hurts only us. Thanks for sharing. God bless you!
Goodness. I’m so glad you finally achieved a Great Escape from those hared feelings and resentments, although I’m sure no one blames you for them, and you had every right to feel them!
You’re a tough gal!
It is awesome and totally “freeing” when we can break that cycle of hate. Good for you! You are a strong person and you can do hard things!
I’ve got through a Great Escape of my own years ago, so this post hit home.
The images I’m getting from your post are of resilience and strength. Good for you.
Thank you for sharing such a personal story. It was a joy to read your blog today but I plan to come back for more! Congrats again on being the featured SITS!!!!
it’s hard to let go of anger and resentment – but it’s amazing how life gets easier after
Hey I never read this one…(didn’t ‘know’ you then.)
You’re one tough nut, to make it through all that, and be a great mom for your kids now. So many people blame every tiny thing in their childhood and you certainly could this…I’m glad to know you.
Wow. That’s a nice way of putting it, that it isn’t about an epiphany but rather a process.
I am so glad you were able to move past the hatred. I don’t know what you went through and can’t even imagine. I am so sorry you younger years seemed to be filled with such sadness. I am glad you are able to see things in a new way, I know that your children are blessed to have you as a whole, wonderful mother.
I hate that you had to go through something that hurt you so deeply. But am glad that you were able to find peace afterwards. I’m sure your story is helping/will help others.
I hate that bad things happen to good people.
I think I’ve been going through something similar.. i’m only 23 and have TWO kids. what did I do with my life… NADDA ZILCH!! except getting an associates degree. BLAH.
Congratulations – you have gone from being a victim to being the victor. That’s a difficult transition. It took me 32 years – not to make the transition but just to acknowledge that I had the anger and guilt and bitterness. Then more years to work through that. I’m glad you didn’t take that long. Now you can have all the joy your Mom would have wanted for you. Blessings, marlene
So glad to hear you’re free. Hatred can be so painful… and so debilitating.
What a beautiful post. Not everything in life is an epiphany.. I think people expect that and it’s just not always the case. I am so glad you have shed that heavy skin of hate, and inspired that you did so.
What you describe is what I call the transition from being a victim to being a survivor. That’s a proccess that takes time. However, it’s like you wake up one day and say to yourself, even if it’s subconciously, ‘I’m done with all the pain and anger controlling me, now it’s my turn to be in control.’
From what I have read, on your blog, so far, it seems that you are a very strong woman .. a survivor. Be proud of that!
I’m awed by your story and also by some of the insighful comments posted in response. Here on the other side of the screen I can feel the humanity and the warmth of it all is just incredible.
That was awe-inspiring. Thanks for being so honest and inspirational. You are truly talented Angie!
Great contest entry. Well done. It’s a great message.
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